I’m re-publishing this short story from last Christmas. Both Trump and Putin are featured in it! I am writing a new one with those two plus Hillary 😉
THE NEW BABY JESUS
SPECIAL HOUR OF 20/20
David Muir reports on the latest news regarding the possible birth of a new Baby Jesus. Three pregnant woman from around the world have come forward to claim they will give birth to the new Baby Jesus. This follows the miraculous sighting of Angel Gabriel over Manhattan, captured on cellphone video. In these videos, a large white angel is seen hovering in the mid-day sky. A voice is heard saying, “Listen, for I bring good news! The second coming of Jesus is near. Follow the Star of Bethlehem in the night sky and you will find Him being born on Christmas Day.”
“In the small mountain village of Smolnica, Poland, Marina, a school teacher, has received some special guests: Vladimir Putin, the Russian President, and his close friend and priest in the Russian Orthodox church, Father Chermkosky. It seems Putin is taking seriously the claims that Marina will be delivering a new Jesus to the world. President Putin’s visit has caused a stampede of the faithful to Marina’s front door, where they keep a vigil day and night.”
“Pope Francis has issued a statement from the Vatican, advising caution. Any claims of the second coming of Jesus must be vetted carefully by the church, a process which could take years.”
“Meanwhile, in Katy, Texas, Mary, a stay-at-home mom, has set up social media accounts under the name The Real Mary. Her Instagram account has 11 million followers from around the world. Controversially, she accepts donations online. She won’t say how much money she’s raised.”
“Miriam, a high-school dropout from the West Bank of Palestine, is the third possible Mother of Jesus. She has been less accessible to the media, but this morning she gave an interview to a local TV news station, saying she is sure she’s having a boy. She did the time-honored tradition of determining the sex of a baby by swinging a ring suspended on a string over her belly. The string swung back-and-forth in a straight line, meaning it’s a boy. Miriam also said she consulted a well-known psychic named Fatima who confirmed she is carrying Baby Jesus.”
THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER
A neighbor of Mary in Texas, her best friend for 8 years until a falling out at a bachelorette party, reports to The Enquirer that Mary is having a girl. She says another friend saw ultrasound photos of Mary’s baby which confirm it’s a girl.
ABC NIGHTLY NEWS
In more Baby Jesus news, a shocking event. Today on Twitter, ISIS threatened to send suicide bombers to kill the new Baby Jesus, born or unborn. President Vladimir Putin has sent a top level security team to Poland to guard Marina’s house around-the-clock. Texans have called for National Guard troops to surround Mary’s house in Katy, Texas, but President Obama has refused. He has previously called the Baby Jesus news story “an alarming spectacle of religious mania.” In response, petitions are circulating online to put Vladimir Putin, a devout Orthodox Christian and a believer in the new Baby Jesus, on the Republican ticket for next year’s U.S. presidential election. Not being a U.S. citizen, Putin is not eligible to run, but that hasn’t stopped 33,000 people from signing the petition.
ABC NIGHTLY NEWS
Donald Trump held a press conference at Trump Tower to show off the baby layettes he is sending to each of the three women purporting to be pregnant with Baby Jesus. Each woman will receive an old-fashioned wooden crib, changing table, basinet, playpen and rocking chair, all made in America. The linens feature a red-white-and-blue American flag design. Trump said he is not sure if any of the women are truly carrying the next Jesus, but he will be watching live coverage of the births along with the rest of America.
CNN has announced it will cover the final hours leading up to the birth of Jesus as a live TV special. It will start as soon as the Star of Bethlehem is seen in the sky.
In related news, both NASA in the U.S. and CERN in Europe will actively be monitoring the night sky and will immediately notify the public when the Star of Bethlehem appears.
THE DAILY MAIL
A cousin tells The Daily Mail that Miriam, the 18-year-old Palestinian woman claiming to be carrying Baby Jesus, is a fraud. According to the cousin, Miriam’s baby isn’t due until February, well past Christmas.
ABC NEWS ONLINE
President Putin today posed for photographs next to the baby furniture he is shipping to expectant mother Marina in Poland. The lavish set is fit for a king: gold-leafed white wood with luxurious silk brocade fabrics and light-blue murals of angels. He is also sending an enormous icon of the Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus in her arms. He told reporters he believes Marina’s story that Angel Gabriel also appeared to her and confirmed that she will be the Mother of Jesus. Putin said he is hoping to be one of the first guests invited in to see Baby Jesus.
In America, President Obama is taking a different approach. He told news reporters at the White House that he will spend Christmas in Hawaii with his family, as planned. And he said, quote: “I don’t believe the media hype.” He’ll be spending his time golfing, not watching the live Baby Watch TV coverage.
ABC NEWS SPECIAL REPORT
Several news sources inside North Baptist Hospital in Katy, Texas, have confirmed to ABC News that Mary delivered a baby girl by C-section in the early hours of the morning. I repeat, a baby girl.
GOOD MORNING AMERICA
“We have a world exclusive for you today,” George Stephanopoulos begins. “A live interview with Mary who is still in the hospital after delivering a baby girl yesterday.”
“Mary, how are you and the baby doing?” asks the anchor.
“We’re doing good. I’m naming the baby Gabriella, after the Angel Gabriel.” Mary is seen in a hospital bed, holding the newborn baby.
“Not Jesus, like people are claiming?” George asks.
“No, no. We don’t believe our little girl is the new Jesus. I’m sorry to disappoint everyone,” the new mom says.
“What about rumors that you knew months ago that your baby was a girl?” the GMA news anchor asks.
“All I can say is, thank you everyone for your prayers,” Mary responds.
George Stephanopoulos continues: “Can you respond to allegations that you accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and donations, knowing your baby would be a girl?”
Mary puts her hand in front of the camera, blocking its view. Cursing is heard and the camera feed is cut, abruptly ending the live TV interview.
CNN BREAKING NEWS
“We’re getting reports that people in Warsaw, Poland, are seeing a bright star, a star brighter than they’ve ever seen before. We haven’t confirmed this yet with astronomers at CERN. Some of the first photos are coming in now,” Wolf Blitzer reports to millions of people. Photos appear onscreen of an enormous star lighting up the black night sky.
“If this is the Star of Bethlehem, it legitimizes Marina, the expectant mother in Poland, and her claims of bearing the new Baby Jesus,” Wolf tells CNN viewers.
CHRISTMAS EVE, 4PM
A blizzard hits Warsaw just as Trump lands in his huge 757 plane emblazoned with the Trump logo. It’s the last plane allowed to land. Blowing snow and low visibility make flying too dangerous. The airport is now officially closed, as are the main highways. A Polish army general invites Trump to spend the night at his house with his family, and wait out the storm.
CHRISTMAS EVE, 5PM
THE GENERAL’S HOUSE IN WARSAW
Trump arrives and is stunned to see Russian President Vladimir Putin at the house. He’s been invited to spend the night, too. Trump huddles with Putin around a table laden with Christmas cookies and other treats. He is surprised to learn Putin speaks perfect English. The two strategize about how to defeat ISIS. Trump likes that, unlike other Russian leaders, Putin doesn’t do vodka shots. He sticks to hot tea and babka, a holiday bread filled with cinnamon streusel. Trump’s own brother battled alcohol addiction and, witnessing that, he’s been a teetotaler. He admires people who dedicate themselves to their work and stay sober. He decides Putin’s a proven winner, like himself. Trump promises Putin that, as the next President, he’ll forge a military alliance with Russia to defeat ISIS. And he will lift the trade sanctions against Russia which are ruining their economy. The two men shake hands on it.
CHRISTMAS MORNING, 7AM
THE GENERAL’S HOUSE IN WARSAW
The general wakes Putin, asleep on a sofa, and Trump, snoring in a stuffed chair by the fire, and gives them the bad news. The snow plows can’t make it up the mountain to Smolnica. The snowdrifts are just too deep, and only a skeleton crew works on Christmas day. They aren’t going to be able to drive up to Marina’s house for the birth.
Putin brainstorms for a second and announces, “Let’s take a tank!” He imagines himself at the helm, in a World War II era uniform, just like his childhood fantasies.
Trump has a different idea. “Call those snow plow drivers! I’ll give them $1,000 cash, right now! U.S. dollars!” he screams excitedly.
“I have a less glamorous proposition,” the general says, sheepishly, and looks out the front window. There stands two donkeys and a simple wooden cart, half filled with hay. “I found this farmer who says he can get us up the pass.”
“In THAT?” asks Trump, staring out the window.
Putin merely chuckles.
With piles of blankets on top of them, thermoses filled with hot tea and a picnic lunch of Christmas leftovers, the three men head off in the donkey cart, putting their faith in Janusz, the farmer. The donkeys move slowly but steadily through the snow, following an ancient wagon path up the mountain.
CHRISTMAS MORNING, SAME TIME
Labor pains have started. The phone lines are down and cell phone service has always been spotty in the remote mountain village. So, Marina sends her younger sister, Magdalena, out to trudge through the deep snow to the doula’s house. Meanwhile, her mother fills the bath tub with warm water and plays classical music on the radio, like the doula suggested. A huge pile of clean sheets and towels leans on top of a small cabinet. She lights a candle in front of the icon of Mary holding Baby Jesus, a gift from President Putin, and says a prayer. The simple birthing room is ready.
CHRISTMAS MORNING, 9AM
ON THE ROAD TO SMOLNICA
As the wooden donkey cart gently rocks back-and-forth, Trump and Putin take stock of the situation. Putin spreads pate on a cracker. He admires the beautiful forest and the deep, unbroken snow glistening in the faint winter sun. The cold air snaps across his frozen cheeks. He grows wistful. “This is just how I remember life at my grandma’s farm in winter. With so few hours of daylight, we’d make the most of it and go outside even on the coldest of days.”
“What?” Trump barks absentmindedly, checking his phone for new emails. “For snowball fights?”
“No, to chop wood for the furnace,” Putin replies matter-of-factly. “My dad was injured in the war and couldn’t do it.”
Trump pokes furiously at his phone. “What’s the matter? What’s the matter with this thing?” he bellows. “No bars!” Trump turns grumpy as his cellphone loses reception.
CHRISTMAS MORNING, SAME TIME
The doula informs Marina that she has a few more hours of labor before the baby is born. Two days ago, in the middle of the night, Marina switched homes. Marina’s friend from grade school, Sascha, offered her a small walk-up apartment in the middle of town, sitting empty while Sascha visits family in Warsaw for Christmas. Marina is grateful to be away from all the press attention. Satellite trucks and reporters from around the world are parked outside her country house on the outskirts of town. She wants to give birth in peace, privately.
2 HOURS LATER
As Marina lays in the tub, pushing and screaming, her mother peers around the doula, looking to glimpse the baby’s head. Suddenly, Marina’s sister Magdalena cries out from the adjoining bedroom: “Do you hear that?”
The three ladies in the bathroom fall silent. Then, they hear it, too. Angels singing: “Noel, noel. Jesus is born on Christmas Day!”
“It’s a sign! A sign from God!” Marina’s mother says excitedly. “Baby Jesus is coming!”
“What should we do?” asks Magdalena, anxiously. “No one knows Baby Jesus is about to be born, right here, right now!”
Her mother thinks it over for a second. Marina is in no shape to make decisions now. The baby is crowning. “Run back to the house and tell the press that Jesus is about to be born. Tell them we heard angels singing!”
Magdalena runs across the snowy village streets, her red knit hat bobbing like a cherry against the white winter landscape. The streets are empty. No one is outside on Christmas morning. She runs until she gets to the edge of town. Here, the paved streets end. Her best bet is to follow a wagon trail through the woods to Marina’s country house. A tear slides down her cheek as she realizes she will miss the birth of Baby Jesus.
ON THE ROAD TO SMOLNICA
“Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening!” Trump sings at the top of his lungs. Without his cellphone to distract him, the business mogul has quickly grown bored. “Come on, Vlad! Join in!”
Vladimir Putin doesn’t bother to inform Trump that no one calls him Vlad. He is called Volodyna, a childhood nickname. He stares off into the distance.
“What’s the matter, Vlad? Don’t you like singing? Come on! It’s Christmas!” Trump admonishes. “And we’re about to meet Baby Jesus!”
“I saw something out in the distance,” Putin responds quietly.
The general immediately snaps to attention. “How many kilometers away?” he asks.
“It’s right there!” Putin responds, pointing. “It’s coming towards us. Something red and round.”
Trump is astonished. “Do you mean to tell me that you see Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer? Vlad! You’re killing me!”
“No, it’s a girl wearing red clothes,” Putin replies succinctly.
The general stands up in the donkey cart, ready to take control of the situation. The girl gets closer, lurching through the high snow, her arms out for balance, her black boots disappearing into deep snow with every step she takes. Her white winter coat disappears like camouflage, but her red knit hat stands out like a cherry.
“Hello! Stop, please!” she yells. She is frantic.
“What is the problem?” the general inquires. “We have important business in Smolnica and can’t stop for you.”
“It’s my sister!” Magdalena pants, out of breath. “She’s…she’s…she’s having a baby.”
“Oh my God,” Trump yells. “Is your sister Marina?”
“Yes!” Magdalena explains that her sister is in town giving birth at a secret location. Press and satellite trucks surround Marina’s house in the country. She is on her way there to tell the world press about the imminent birth of Baby Jesus. Trump takes action.
“Let me handle the press! I’m great with the press. The press loves me,” declares Trump, jumping out of the donkey cart. “I’m going with her,” he says, pointing a thumb towards Magdalena. “You two go into town and witness the birth.” Magdalena quickly speaks to Janusz in Polish, giving him directions to the borrowed apartment.
NOON ON CHRISTMAS DAY
BORROWED APARTMENT IN SMOLNICA
President Putin bounds up the wooden stairs to the second floor apartment. He bursts in without knocking and sees Marina holding a newborn baby by the fire. The baby is wrapped in an American-flag bedsheet, a gift from Trump. Putin leans over the baby and studies its face. The baby is calm and quiet. “Is it a boy?” he asks.
Marina doesn’t answer. Then Putin notices tears streaming down her face. He sees Marina’s mother standing in a doorway. She is nodding yes.
A small crowd gathers around the baby: the army general, Janusz the driver, Marina’s mother, the doula and President Putin. They all peer at the baby boy’s face. Could it be true that this baby is the second coming of Jesus? Some have predicted this new Jesus will be the next Pope and will revolutionize the Catholic church, will be a scientist who discovers the cure for cancer, will fix global warming and stabilize the crazy weather or will oversee World War III, ushering in the End Days.
The peaceful silence is broken by a ringing cellphone. The general answers. It’s Donald Trump.
“I’m live on CNN! By some miracle, the satellite truck is getting reception. We’ve got the world exclusive on the biggest birth announcement ever! What’s going on over there? Start talking!”
And that is how Baby Jesus came into the world, the second time around.
©Ellen Auchter 2015 – Continue reading